因为爱情如死之坚强，嫉恨如阴间之残忍。

所发的电光，是火焰的电光，是耶和华的烈焰。（雅歌8:6）

嫉妒是人类最强烈的驱动力之一，英语中嫉妒（jealous）一词源于zeal，意思是：用烈焰灼烧。《圣经》中说，忿怒为残忍，怒气为狂澜，惟有嫉妒，谁能敌得住呢？（箴言27:4）       

嫉妒其实有两种形式：合理的嫉妒建立在爱情的基础上，不合理的嫉妒建立在羡慕的基础上。当你爱的人，原本属于你的那个人变了心，让别人取代你的位置时，正当的嫉妒就会迸发。如果一个妻子有了外遇，将自己托付于他人，那她的丈夫会出于爱而怀有正当的嫉妒之火。他渴望夺回本该属于他的东西。       

《圣经》中描述上帝对他的子民所怀的就是正义性的嫉妒。这并不是说他嫉妒我们，希望得到我们拥有的东西（因为他拥有一切），而是他深深的渴望着爱我们，热切期盼我们将他当做首要的爱。他不想在我们的内心有任何事物优先于他。《圣经》警示我们，除了上帝不要再敬畏其他，“因为耶和华你的上帝乃是烈火，是忌邪的上帝”（申命记4:24）       

明确这一点之后，我们继续关注与爱相违背的不正当的嫉妒——根植于自私的嫉妒。也就是说，当你嫉妒的时候，你的言行带着羡慕。       

你是否为嫉妒他人而挣扎？你的朋友比你更受人欢迎，所以你对他心怀嫉恨。你的同事获得了提升，于是你彻夜难眠。他或许什么都没做错，但你因为他的成功而难受甚至恼恨。俗话说，只要你不比他更成功，他就不介意你成功。       

嫉妒是普遍的困扰。当某人超越你，获得你想要的东西时，嫉妒就会爆发。你越自私，感觉越痛苦。非但不恭贺他，你还会出言不逊，恶意揣测。

如果你不当心，嫉妒会像毒蛇一样钻进你的心，击败你做事情的正当的动力和良好的人际关系。它的毒液会妨碍你拥有上帝赞许的那种爱。       

如果你不通过学习爱他人来排遣自己的怒气，最终你可能会暗自抵触他们。《圣经》中说嫉妒会导致争斗，吵闹和一切邪恶的事（参考雅各书3:16,4:1-2）       

《圣经》中可以见到一系列因嫉妒而产生的暴力行为。当该隐因为上帝赞许他兄弟的献祭而心生不满时，嫉妒导致了第一桩谋杀案。撒拉将侍女夏甲赶走，因为夏甲可以怀孕而撒拉不能。约瑟的兄弟因为约瑟是最受父亲钟爱的孩子，所以将他推进深坑，买为奴隶。耶稣比大祭司们更慈爱，更有权能，更受爱戴，所以他们嫉恨他，与叛徒串通，将他钉在十字架上。         

你通常不会嫉妒与你无关的陌生人，你可能会嫉妒的人一般都和你处于同一个舞台。他们在你办公室工作，参加同一个社团，在你周围活动，或者与你同处一个屋檐下，

是的，如果你不多加小心，嫉妒也会感染你的婚姻。         

当你结婚的时候，你就成为伴侣最重要的拉拉队长与最仰慕他的人。你们俩合而为一。分享彼此的快乐。但如果嫉妒占上风，任何发生在一个人身上的好事都会招致妒忌而不是祝贺。       

或许他喜欢在周末去打高尔夫球，而她留在家里做家务。他向她炫耀说，自己挥出了一记绝好的球，而她却想挥拳揍他。       

又或许她总是受邀和朋友一同外出，他却留在家里陪狗。如果他不当心，他就会怨恨她的受欢迎。       

因为爱是不自私，将他放于首位，所以它拒绝嫉妒的参透。爱引导你去庆祝伴侣的成功而不是嫉恨他。一个心怀爱意的丈夫会不介意自己的妻子在某个领域比他更擅长，获得比他更多的乐趣，或是更多的掌声。他觉得她使自己完满，而不是在挑战自己。       

当他获得赞誉，他会在公开场合感谢她的支持，他不会将她拖入嫉恨他的境地。而心怀爱意的妻子将是丈夫取得胜利时，第一个为他欢呼的人。她不会拿自己的缺点去和他的优点比较。她会全心欢庆，而不是言不由衷的祝贺。       

现在就让爱，谦逊和感恩摧毁你内心充满的嫉妒吧，让你伴侣的成功将你们连接得更紧密，也将促成你们更多的展示真爱的机会。

       

每日挑战

下定决心，成为你伴侣最坚定的支持者，摒弃任何嫉妒的念头。学着为你的伴侣着想，专注他的成就。拿出昨天写的缺点单，慎重的将它烧掉。然后告诉你的伴侣，你为他最近的一次成功感到非常高兴。       

完成今天的挑战之后，对照以下问题：       

要毁掉那张单子有多难？

在与伴侣相处的岁月里，有什么值得庆祝的事情吗？

你如何鼓励他继续取得成功呢？       

与喜乐的人要同乐，与哀哭的人要同哭。（罗马书12:15）

---

舒舒夫妻炼爱日记 2015.10.21

第8天. 对忌妒说不，为对方的成就欢喜雀跃

太太：舒舒-Helen，70后，中国人，家庭主妇

我看到别人出色的地方，就会想要去学习，一般不会妒忌。我知道别人的出色与成功也都是下苦功夫得来的，那就值得尊敬，就要虚心学习。

那如果别人的成功是上帝所赐的天分，我去妒忌天才，那又是吃饱了撑的吧？

不过，我经常会有一声感叹，在我看到天才的钢琴家或者画家之后，我就会问先生：“哎~~你说我们学几辈子也跟不上他们的脚步，我们还那么费劲儿学啥呀！”

 他就会笑说：“怎么好像是我的女儿在讲话呀？上帝看重的就是你的努力呀，只要你work hard祂就会看到并奖赏，祂给多少天分是祂的事情，那不重要！”

我更不会嫉妒我的先生取得什么成绩了，据说他在业界也是一流的聪明，前不久他的一个前老板又跟他在一个公司合作项目，那个老板在项目结束之后给他现在的老板写了一封表扬信，说他是如何出色，说他一个人两星期编出来的程序叫人以为是五六个人的团队在几个月内合作而成，还叫现任老板赶紧给他升职加薪，别让人给挖跑了。

哈哈，我看到最后一句最喜欢，我说你快把那人的email给我，我要给他写个感谢信！心里是由衷为他高兴，虽然我从来弄不懂他工作上的事情。我最高兴的是，他喜欢他的工作，这是很难求的事情。以后我要继续为他多多承担家里的琐事，让他上班的时候能够专心，也不要求他给我发肉麻爱情短信了，哈哈哈。

今天要毁掉之前写的缺点单，太容易了。

过去五年值得庆祝的事情，大概是：自从我嫁给他之后，原本乱哄哄的一个大家庭现在渐渐稳定，原本生活极不安定的孩子们现在都能有一个充满爱的家了吧。

记得有一段时间，每天烧六七个人的饭，有时还十几个人一大桌，厌烦情绪正往上冒，先生突然深情地说：“谢谢你，让我和孩子们能够每天晚上能够像现在这样坐在一起用晚餐，享受美好的家庭时光，你不知道他们有多少年没有这样的享受了。” 这一句话，浇灭了我所有的烦，就这么简单，哎~~~

先生：Kenny，60后，美国人，咨询公司主管

问题一：要毁掉那张（缺点）单子有多难？
把那张写着关于太太让我不喜欢的事情的单子烧掉一点都不难，本来单子就很短。她有太多让人愉悦欢快的地方，所以“不浪费时间去想她不好的方面”对我也没有压力。

我是她最铁杆的粉丝，今天我想午夜前睡觉的话，我就来不及列出来有多少事我为她骄傲的。我做Helen的粉丝唯一的问题是，她抱怨我吹捧她太多，但我觉得根本就不够多。这本书里的这一章，对我来说没有难度，太容易了。

问题二：在与伴侣共处的岁月中，有什么值得庆祝的事情吗？嗯，这个不难（舒舒：太不习惯把夸赞自己的文字敲进电脑，所以今天这个进行得比较慢，其中多次与先生商量要不要把这些表扬我的删了，他坚决不同意，让我一个字都不能减。我只好遵命，汗…）——看看她发表的文章，她在安德森肿瘤医院帮助的病人，或者她编辑的书，看看她的个人中文电台，已经有听众帮她做成CD分享给更多的人。想想她读的《返璞归真》和其它的节目有上千个听众，那些都是她自己朗读，自己挑选音乐，自己编辑、制作，没有任何人帮助的情况下完成的，每一步都像是专业人士所做的（舒舒：哎呀，他又夸张了…再汗…我完全是自娱自乐，不专业不专业！！！）我想我这一辈子最重要的事就是做Yang Shu的丈夫。

但我更骄傲的是她更大更令人钦佩的成就：她作为一个继母和一个儿媳，带给我的父母和孩子偌大的喜乐！

看看我的家庭，看看她嫁给我的时候她所要承担的重担——八个继子女和三个孙辈！我猜想Helen很多的读者/听众都想象不到，只是作为我的太太，她每天肩头有多少负担，我想她不常提起，不想泄漏我太多私事。但是我自己可以透露一些，我想让你们知道这个唯一的真正的梦想就是过一个简单生活的女人，每天要面对的是怎样的生活：

她的四个继子女是百分百纯美国人，他们的妈妈有很大的问题。我的前妻目前在我们的生活里还有所参与，这要持续到2018年最小的孩子长到18岁。前妻患有边缘性人格障碍，为了争夺孩子的抚养权编造很多恐怖的无法言说的谎言诬陷我，让孩子们陷入两难境地：要么相信爸爸是个变态的罪犯，要么相信妈妈是个阴险或疯狂的骗子。孩子们或早或晚都知道了妈妈说的都是谎话，但是那么多年里面，他们每个人情感上都留下了很深的伤痕。最相信他们妈妈的谎言的一个孩子，有五年都在痛恨我，相信我是个坏人，而且认为爸爸根本不爱她—你们想象这对她的情感是怎样的伤害吧。

另外有四个从哈萨克斯坦孤儿院收养回来的孩子，他们每个人背后都有让人心碎的故事，但是我不能分享，因为我知道我的女婿不希望公开他家庭的私事。不过，他们每一个至今都还在承受着那些悲惨身世的负面后果。更麻烦的是，收养的孩子中有一个女儿，和她生的两个女儿（就是外孙女）基本只会说俄语；还有一个养女在被收养的时候就有吸毒的问题，但是孤儿院隐瞒了事实，她一直为这个问题在挣扎，不久前她在我们眼前彻底输了这场战斗，毁了她自己的生活。

八年前，我离婚的时候，四个孩子跟着我，四个孩子跟着我的前妻，但后来跟着她的孩子有了可怕的遭遇，直到法庭剥夺了她所有的看护权。然后，那些孩子在那些遭遇之后去了哪里呢？哎，他们当然来跟我住了，也就是说和Helen一起住了。

当Helen根本无法理解这些孩子所经历的事情，不能植入同理心的时候，当这些孩子行为非常混乱、分裂、不守家庭规矩的时候，她就得开始爱他们，给他们恩典。

然而，她爱了他们——当他们离可爱还远得很的时候，当她根本“感觉”不到那份爱、只是感到责任的重担的时候，在一切能够好起来的希望都显得那么渺茫的时候，在她因为觉得不够爱他们而时常感到愧疚的时候，在她希望自己有一颗更宽广的心以至于不用那么“努力”去爱他们的时候，她爱了他们。

但是你们肯定不会听她这么说，可这是真的——她日复一日爬起来，带着恩典、无私以及不放弃的努力去爱他们。孩子们现在都很喜爱她，爱到这样的地步：在我最小的女儿搬来和我们一起住后没多久，就问我可不可以和法庭确定好，如果哪一天我发生什么意外，她可以在Helen身边长大；我也永不会忘记，有一次感恩节的时候我问女儿Merry她感恩什么，她第一个说的就是Helen。她说，“我有很多同学都有继母，可是没有一个像Helen这样的。”我说我知道她什么意思，毕竟，我也有很多同事有太太呀……

问题三：你如何鼓励伴侣继续取得成功呢？

• 她做节目时问我问题，我好好回答。
  
• 不停告诉她，她是个好妈妈、好媳妇，就算她自己不那么想的时候。
  
• 继续炫耀她的好，哪怕她觉得尴尬，说我夸张。我绝对没有夸张！
  

Question1：How difficult it is to burn the list ?

It was not at all difficult to burn the list of dislikable things about my wife. For one thing it was a very short list to begin with. And also there is so much about her that is delightful, that it’s no burden to not waste any time looking for things to dislike about her. And as far as being her biggest fan, well, there isn’t time for me to list all the different things that she does that I’m proud of her for, because I have to go to sleep before midnight tonight. The only problem we have with my being Helen’s fan is that she complains that I brag about her too much-but I feel like I don’t get to brag about her nearly enough. So this is one chapter in this book that really doesn’t pose much difficulty for me.  I have it REALLY easy.

Question 2: What are some positive experiences that you can celebrate in the life of your mate?

Well, THAT’s not difficult — look at how many of her articles have been picked up and republished by magazines. Look at the people she has helped at M. D. Anderson, or the book she edited which is now in its second edition. Look at her podcasts, which have helped people all over the Chinese-speaking world and which have now been collected onto CDs by listeners who wanted to share them with a wider audience. Think of thousands of people who have listened to her reading of Mere Christianity and her prodcasts — a production in which she did the reading, and the selection of music, and the scripting and producing, and the editing and mixing, 100% without assistance, doing each element as well as any professional could have done it. I think the most important thing I have ever done in my life is to be Yang Shu’s husband.

But I am for MORE proud of what is a much greater and more impressive accomplishment: the job she has done as a stepmother and as a daughter-in-law who has brought such joy to my parents and my children.

Just look at my family, and the burdens she took on when she married me — eight stepchildren and three stepgranchildren. I doubt very many of Helen’s readers/listeners have any idea what burdens she shoulders every day just by being my wife, because I’m sure she doesn’t talk about it much, not wanting to disclose my private business. But I myself CAN disclose it, and I think her readers ought to know what this woman, whose only real desire is for a simple and uncomplicated life, deals with every day. 

Four of her stepchildren are 100% American children whose mother has very serious problems. This is my ex-wife, who still is perforce part of our lives and will be until the youngest stepdaughter is eighteen in 2018. She suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder and (in order to gain custody of the children) accused me (falsely!) of horrific and unspeakable things, leaving them with no choice during the long and bitter divorce process but to believe either that their father was a twisted criminal or else their mother was a vicious or insane liar. They all have come, some quickly and some slowly, to recognize that nothing their mother says about me should be believed; but none of them escaped those years without deep emotional scars, and the one who most believed her mother spent five years hating me and believing me to be the absolute dregs of humanity — and even worse, believing that her father did not love her — with emotional consequences I will simply leave to your imagination. 

The other four are adopted from Kazakhstan. There are heartbreaking stories behind each of them that I won’t share because I know that my son-in-law doesn’t want his family’s private business made public; but they deal with the aftereffects to this day. To add to the difficulty, one of the stepdaughters and two of the stepgranddaughters speak either mostly or only Russian (even when Helen is trying to babysit them by herself without me to translate), and another stepdaughter came from Kazakhstan with a drug addiction problem the orphanage kept secret at the time of adoption, and has been fighting it for years; until recently she spent most of her time losing the battle and destroying herself before our eyes. When, eight years ago, the children were divided between me and their mother so that half came to live with me and half stayed with their mom, terrible, unspeakable things happened to the ones that remained with their mother, until the courts removed all of them from her care. And where did Helen’s stepdaughters go after these traumatic experiences? Why, they came to live with me, which means they came to live with Helen, who then had to set about loving and trying to show grace to children whose behavior was very disruptive to the household and whose experiences she couldn’t begin to understand or empathize with.

And yet she HAS loved them — even when they were very far from lovable and she felt no love but only the weight of a heavy burden of duty with little apparent reason to hope things would get better, and even while feeling guilty because so often she has felt like she ought to love them more and feels that if she had a bigger heart she wouldn’t have to WORK at it so much.

But — and you would never hear her say this but it is true — she has gotten up day after day and loved them with such grace and unselfishness and sheer stubborn diligence that they now adore her, to the point that my youngest asked me, not long after she came to live with us, to make sure that if anything happened to me the courts would let her stay with Helen to grow up, rather than with her mother. And I will never forget the Thanksgiving Day when I asked my daughter Merry what she was thankful for, and the first thing she mentioned was Helen. “A lot of my friends have stepmothers,” she told me, “but none of them are like Helen.” I told her I knew exactly what she meant — after all, a lot of my friends have wives… 

Question 3: How can you encourage them toward future successes?

By answering questions for her podcast when she asks me to, and by continuing to tell her what a good stepmother and daughter-in-law and wife she is even though she doesn’t think so, and by continuing to brag about her even though she gets embarrassed by it and says that I exaggerate. Which I most certainly do not.